So…I looked back over my photos from a year ago today.  On that day I took a walk across town…with my camera and binoculars of course.

It’s next to impossible to walk anywhere in town without seeing Canada Geese.  These two seemed to be a mated pair and were looking out for each other.

It’s nice to look down on life around you…and this Rock Pigeon seemed to agree.

Belted Kingfishers hunt up and down the river.  Many times I will find one perched on these wires that cross the river.  Check out that beak!  And…you should see him diving head first into the water for a fish!

The American Kestrel may be North America’s smallest falcon…but this one decided to take over an Osprey nest…at least for a while.

The life of a Mallard is very tiring…and naps are appropriate in the middle of the day.

Two river otters were cavorting for my entertainment that day…oh, okay…maybe they were oblivious to me…but they were obviously having fun together.

The American Dipper is a fascinating bird!  There is one spot along the river where I almost always see one…I’m assuming it’s the same one.  Here it is…looking for food.

It found something!  In it goes.

Like a mini submarine it dives completely underwater…swimming along with bubbles streaming alongside it.

It finally comes up…shakes off a bit…and starts the cycle anew.

Soon we were out among the farm fields and open grasslands.  The White-crowned Sparrows were flitting along fence rows and one farm field had a whole gaggle of Canada Geese.  This Red-tailed Hawk was our next spot…perched regally on the branch checking out the area.

Black-billed Magpies and Common Ravens showed up every now and then.  We spotted some sparrow-like activity along the rabbitbrush and sage brush on the side of the road.  Rolling down our windows we were greeted with the melodic song of the Western Meadowlark.  In just a small area we saw more than a dozen of them!  The sparrows were all White-crowned Sparrows…and several of them posed nicely for the photo shoot.

American Kestrels perched on telephone wires, a Bald Eagle soared over us, and a Prairie Falcon flew by to land on a nearby pole.  While checking out a small flock of Brewer’s Blackbirds this coyote looked right at me as I checked him out.  He then proceeded to trot along behind us as we drove slowly on.

My friend knew of this trail leading to a Wildlife Management Area.  We got out and easily walked the one mile round trip to the viewing platform.  There were no birds visible…except for the ever-present and very abundant population of American Robins.

This Red-tailed Hawk was sharing his tree with several of those before-mentioned robins.  As we sat in the car watching him, he proceeded to  warn us to not get close with that beautiful, primal call that only the Red-tailed Hawk has!

Driving on we spotted a Cooper’s Hawk and then some Rock Pigeons.  The flock of pigeons were in a field on the side of the road and when we stopped they took to the air in a wonderfully synchronized flight dance.

They may be a common bird…and even a pest in many situations…but there is no denying their beauty.  I love the patterning on their backs as they flew away.

Onward we went…finding a Rough-legged Hawk, a Savannah Sparrow mixed in with some more White-crowned Sparrows, and an immature Golden Eagle.  The country side was dotted with old, abandoned buildings hinting of forgotten history.

We found two Great Blue Herons just standing in a field, some Golden-crowned Sparrows flitting in and out of some juniper trees, a single Northern Harrier swooping down to catch some unwary rodent, a Townsend’s Solitaire, and a constantly moving and noisy flock of Bushtits…before coming to the Trout Creek Recreation area.

There were two other vehicles in the parking lot but no sign of people…other than some footprints in the slightly muddy trail as we began our walk along the Deschutes River.

At one point we found a winter flock of Ruby-crowned Kinglets, Golden-crowned Kinglets, and more Bushtits all flitting in and out of the tree branches.  Two Common Goldeneyes took to flight treating us to their beautiful black and white patterning as they flew out of sight.  A single female Common Merganser dove repeatedly in one area.  We spied Buffleheads and more Common Goldeneyes on the other side of the swiftly flowing river.  An American Coot briefly showed itself.   On the opposite bank there was a small herd of cows.  I particularly liked the light brown one laying down.

The rocks were a treat of lichen and mosses.

Cliffs of columnar basalt rose majestically on both sides of the river…decorated with a profusion of rich, colorful lichen…edged by stately juniper trees.

This cliff face seemed to have a face in its center…the photo didn’t capture the likeness very well.

The orange, lichen covered rock at the base of this cliff reminded me of the children’s book, And Still The Turtle Watched by Sheila MacGill-Callahan.  It seemed lonely.

Perhaps its role was to guard this seeping waterfall (the turtle rock is at the base on the right hand side).

After two miles we came to a foot bridge that spanned this marshy area.  Once more I was reminded of how much I enjoy the subtle richness in the colors of winter.

On the way back we saw two Mallards and some more Common Mergansers.  I loved this cliff perched on the hillside and took several photos of it.

It wasn’t until I saw these photos on my computer tonight that I finally realized where the individuals making those muddy footprints had gone…since we never did see anyone while walking and the cars were still in the parking lot on our return.  They had been rock climbing above us the whole time.

The light was fading…our birding was drawing to a close…but still we had some treats in store.  A really long train came chugging its way up the steep, curving train track…right over the tunnel we had to go through (lower left hand corner).

It had SIX engines…and with it’s load…and the incline…it probably needed all of them!

We headed home as the sun continued to sink behind the hills and mountains.  Two Mountain Chickadees called to us along Trout Creek.  We found a small flock of female Red-winged Blackbirds on cattail in a marshy area and a Green-winged Teal in a pond…along with a muskrat and some larger water rodent…perhaps a beaver.  Driving through a small town we observed several more American Kestrels, some more doves, and a large covey of California Quail.  In some farmers pond we found American Wigeons along with a lot of Mallards.  Canada Geese were winging their way towards their night-time spots.

Darkness was fast approaching…our birding would soon be totally finished…and then my friend found it!  Perched in the midst of bare tree branches…barely visible in the poor light…its distinctive ear tufts perked up…a Great Horned Owl!

We had laughingly set a goal of 44 species (the spaces on my notebook page) when we had set out in the morning.  With our Great Horned Owl we had officially reached 42 species!  Not bad at all!

the multitude of Dark-eyed Juncos…

the coveys of California Quail and the House Sparrows…

the two Spotted Towhees that frequent the yard…

the territorial Western Scrub Jays…

the occasional Mourning Doves…

the special visiting Varied Thrush…

the Eurasian Collared Doves and the Northern Flickers (who like to play horseshoes occasionally)…

and the resident predator…the Sharp-shinned Hawk…

and all the others…

I really look forward to going to new places and finding different birds.

Tomorrow I’m going birding with a friend to places I’ve never been before…and anticipating all the wonderful birds we’ll find is a great way to begin the weekend.

I enjoyed looking out the window today.  There was an awesome snowstorm with big, fat snowflakes swirling thickly.  There were light flurries.  There were downpours and sprinkles.  Every time I looked it was different.

The birds were having a challenging time finding the food on the ground but that didn’t stop them from trying.  This Mourning dove was rather determined to keep pecking through the snow for the millet underneath.

At one point there was an amazing rainbow…but it was raining too hard to go outside so I had to enjoy it through all the wires in the backyard.

There was even a moment or two when the sun shone on the raindrops decorating the neighbor’s tree creating a brilliant glistening work of art.

Yesterday was a rainy, slushy, drizzly, drab day.  While spying on my guests I was surprised to see a Varied Thrush!  I took photos but the lighting was dismal and the photos were rather grainy…but you could tell who it was.

Today was sunshiny and clear out.  While filling the feeders and dumping the compost I startled my visiting Varied Thrush into a tree and it stayed and posed just long enough for me to snap a few quick photos.  I’m hoping it decides to come back tomorrow for a quick bite and maybe hang out and visit for a while!

Today is the 34th anniversary of my wedding day.  I was divorced almost 20 years ago.  But there was never any ceremony marking the divorce…not even a court date because I didn’t know where he lived and the papers were sent to a relative and also posted in local papers where he last lived.  He didn’t show up for the proceedings.  I’ve moved on…dealt with many things over the years…but lately in my healing process realized I needed something concrete to celebrate the closure of that time in my life.

Today I created and celebrated a “Removal of Vows” ceremony…a conscious severing of any lingering connection I have to my ex-husband.   Below is a copy of that ceremony.  (I have used initials instead of names on here to avoid any searches for his or my name that would lead to this entry.)

REMOVAL  OF VOWS

Thirty four years ago I was in love with you, L.L.P.…to the best of my ability at that time.  You also believed yourself to be in love with me.  I know that.  Together, in front of family, friends, and God,  we gazed lovingly into each other’s eyes and promised to love, honor, and respect each other in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

At twenty years old I was scarred and broken from a lifetime of abuse…lots of which I remembered and even more that was suppressed in order to survive.  Still, despite my background, I was an idealist.  I believed in love.  I believed love was more powerful than anything else and could overcome any difficulties in life.  In many ways, I was right.  In very important ways, I was very wrong.

You, too, had your scars.  There were the challenges of being a black person in the south…the difficulties of being raised in poverty…your father dying when you were a vulnerable teenager.  But, as I was to slowly discover over years of reaching out to you, you also had painful and damaging secrets from your childhood…experiences you only hinted at and then very rarely.

Thirty four years ago I yearned for touch.  You touched me.  It wasn’t much…but so much more than I could even imagine.  I knew the difference in the feel of a belt, an extension cord, a tree branch, a slap, and more against my body…but I didn’t know what a hug felt like.  I didn’t know what it felt like to have my face touched with a gentle hand.  Your touch was what I first fell in love with.

You had a need to be needed.  I fulfilled that need.

And so I made my vows to you.  In front of God (as I knew him at that time), in front of family and friends, in the eyes of the church, and in the laws of society.

I meant them!  With my whole heart and soul!  For eternity!

But that “me” died years ago…gradually and in wonderful ways.  I went to counseling.  I faced memories and demons.  I grew and changed.  I read about how to parent.  I read about how to heal.  I worked hard at healing.  Slowly and steadily I worked on the healing process.  I continue that process to this day.  The person that made those vows is a part of me…that person shaped who I am today…but it is not me.

Still, even as I changed, I chose to work at loving, honoring, and respecting you…through your depressions and withdrawals.  I stayed with you in the good times that were scattered throughout the early years.  I stayed with you through the bad times when you didn’t want to be seen with me, when you found me embarrassing to be with.  I stayed with you when you withdrew from me and wouldn’t talk to me or sleep with me or touch me.  I honored the vows I had made when you refused counseling, when you denied you had any problems, when you blamed all of our difficulties on me because of my childhood.  It wasn’t easy…but I believed in love and I believed in us.  I continued to hope and trust in love.

I know I made mistakes.  I know that my past affected our marriage.  I know that there were things I could have done differently.  But I also know I worked hard at honoring those vows.   I also know without a doubt that there is really nothing I could have done differently that would have changed you…except perhaps leaving you much, much sooner than I did.

However, when you refused to buy food for our children, when you refused to give me your employment information so I could get aid to feed me and the girls, when you refused to listen to my words or my written efforts to communicate…I reached the decision to end the marriage.

Still…at that time…I trusted you with my daughters.  I trusted you to be a decent person…even if not to me.

But…when you raised a screwdriver to me and threatened to hurt me all trust ended.  And when I discovered you had been raping and sexually abusing my daughters you were dead to me.

In the years since then I have been busy…supporting my daughters’ needs to heal…physically and financially supporting my daughters totally on my own…facing the ritualistic and sexual abuse I survived as a child…managing multiple serious health challenges…creating a life of health and love and joy despite sometimes overwhelming obstacles.

I didn’t consciously realize death had parted us and absolved us of those vows we had made so many years before.

But now I do…and I need a ceremony to celebrate that realization.

Those vows have already been dissolved in the eyes of the law.  I have no need whatsoever to be concerned about doing so in the eyes of the church.

Today, however, I am deliberately and consciously removing those vows spiritually and emotionally.

And so…

L.L.P….I…M.L.Y., hereby vow to remove my promise to love, honor, and respect you.  I hereby vow to remove my commitment to be with you in good times and bad.  I hereby vow to remove my intention to be with you in sickness and in health.  I hereby vow to acknowledge death has parted us.

I make these vows before you, with intent before our families and friends of that time period, before my friends and family of today, and before Spirit.

This is also a ceremony and celebration of forgiveness.

L.L.P., I choose to forgive you:

• for destroying the innocence and emotional freedom of my daughters’ childhoods through rape and abuse
• for isolating yourself from me throughout our marriage
• for not cherishing, respecting, or supporting me throughout our marriage
• for not accepting my love for you
• for ridiculing and demeaning my femininity and my uniqueness
• for choosing not to grow and change and heal
• for blaming me for your depression and insecurities
• for attempting to manipulate my emotions
• for attempting to manipulate my desire and efforts to be healthy and whole
• for not being honest with yourself
• for not being honest with others
• for not being honest with me
• for not knowing how to love as an adult

And, more importantly, I choose to forgive myself:

• for loving you
• for being emotionally insecure and vulnerable when I met you
• for not leaving you on any of the multiple times I considered doing so
• for not recognizing your abusive tendencies
• for not recognizing your ongoing abuse of my daughters
• for mistakes I made
• for not seeing what was happening
• for trusting you with my love
• for trusting you with my daughters
• for my self-doubt and insecurities
• for dreaming of “happily ever after”
• for hoping you would someday accept my love and concern for you
• for hoping we could create what we had promised on our wedding day
• for hating you

And so, L., this ceremony is complete.  As of this moment in time, there is no longer any “us”.  There never will be again.  There is you…whoever and wherever you are.  Go in peace and love and forgiveness to live your life as you choose.

Good-bye!

And, friends and family, there is “me”, M.L.Y..  I will also live my life as I choose.  And I choose to live it well!

Let us celebrate!

We got our first significant snowfall of the winter and it was beautiful.  In fact, I enjoyed going out before kids showed up and shoveling the sidewalk…quiet…pristine looking…large snowflakes falling…no traffic.

But…the roads here never seem to get plowed so there was snow and ruts to drive through.  A semi-truck was jack-knifed at a major intersection just a few blocks away.   Mid-morning the snow turned to mixed slushy rainfall…and then rain.    The low spots on roads around town became flooded…and some major streets were closed.    The wind was gusting rather ferociously bringing down tree branches and toppling trash cans.

It was  a PERFECT day to stay inside and watch the rain lashing at the windows…and the spruce tree branches waving dangerously in the wind…and the roads turning to absolute rivers of slush…and the snow cover shrinking.

And if you were a California Quail it was a PERFECT day to hunker down under a bushy tree and wait it out…for hours and hours.

As soon as I started clicking away (from inside the laundry room, through the backdoor window) he scurried away into the underbrush.  A European Starling decided to join the robins.  The robins seemed to be okay with this inter-species drinking…

until Western Scrub Jay showed up!  He dominates the place…feeder, yard, or drinking place.  The robins lined up around the bird bath and patiently (or perhaps impatiently) waited for him to finish.

The single Cedar Waxwing that showed up decided to not even try to compete.  It perched on the branch for a while and then left for less crowded facilities.

The robins invaded the place…filling every single inch…when one left another would fly down from wherever it was hanging out.  For the longest time there was a continual influx and exiting of robins…and an occasional starling.

One of the more than twenty regular Eurasian Collared Doves braved the masses to get a drink.

A new starling flew in and decided this was not a drinking area…it was a bathing area.  The robins tried to convince him otherwise…but were unsuccessful.  He just splashed away!

Well…if you can’t beat them you might as well join them…and that’s what this robin and House Sparrow decided to do…

with a few choice words every now and then.

I have to admit…again…I love my backyard!