(This is a long post…very personal and difficult in content at times.)
Today is the 34th anniversary of my wedding day. I was divorced almost 20 years ago. But there was never any ceremony marking the divorce…not even a court date because I didn’t know where he lived and the papers were sent to a relative and also posted in local papers where he last lived. He didn’t show up for the proceedings. I’ve moved on…dealt with many things over the years…but lately in my healing process realized I needed something concrete to celebrate the closure of that time in my life.
Today I created and celebrated a “Removal of Vows” ceremony…a conscious severing of any lingering connection I have to my ex-husband. Below is a copy of that ceremony. (I have used initials instead of names on here to avoid any searches for his or my name that would lead to this entry.)
REMOVAL OF VOWS
Thirty four years ago I was in love with you, L.L.P.…to the best of my ability at that time. You also believed yourself to be in love with me. I know that. Together, in front of family, friends, and God, we gazed lovingly into each other’s eyes and promised to love, honor, and respect each other in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
At twenty years old I was scarred and broken from a lifetime of abuse…lots of which I remembered and even more that was suppressed in order to survive. Still, despite my background, I was an idealist. I believed in love. I believed love was more powerful than anything else and could overcome any difficulties in life. In many ways, I was right. In very important ways, I was very wrong.
You, too, had your scars. There were the challenges of being a black person in the south…the difficulties of being raised in poverty…your father dying when you were a vulnerable teenager. But, as I was to slowly discover over years of reaching out to you, you also had painful and damaging secrets from your childhood…experiences you only hinted at and then very rarely.
Thirty four years ago I yearned for touch. You touched me. It wasn’t much…but so much more than I could even imagine. I knew the difference in the feel of a belt, an extension cord, a tree branch, a slap, and more against my body…but I didn’t know what a hug felt like. I didn’t know what it felt like to have my face touched with a gentle hand. Your touch was what I first fell in love with.
You had a need to be needed. I fulfilled that need.
And so I made my vows to you. In front of God (as I knew him at that time), in front of family and friends, in the eyes of the church, and in the laws of society.
I meant them! With my whole heart and soul! For eternity!
But that “me” died years ago…gradually and in wonderful ways. I went to counseling. I faced memories and demons. I grew and changed. I read about how to parent. I read about how to heal. I worked hard at healing. Slowly and steadily I worked on the healing process. I continue that process to this day. The person that made those vows is a part of me…that person shaped who I am today…but it is not me.
Still, even as I changed, I chose to work at loving, honoring, and respecting you…through your depressions and withdrawals. I stayed with you in the good times that were scattered throughout the early years. I stayed with you through the bad times when you didn’t want to be seen with me, when you found me embarrassing to be with. I stayed with you when you withdrew from me and wouldn’t talk to me or sleep with me or touch me. I honored the vows I had made when you refused counseling, when you denied you had any problems, when you blamed all of our difficulties on me because of my childhood. It wasn’t easy…but I believed in love and I believed in us. I continued to hope and trust in love.
I know I made mistakes. I know that my past affected our marriage. I know that there were things I could have done differently. But I also know I worked hard at honoring those vows. I also know without a doubt that there is really nothing I could have done differently that would have changed you…except perhaps leaving you much, much sooner than I did.
However, when you refused to buy food for our children, when you refused to give me your employment information so I could get aid to feed me and the girls, when you refused to listen to my words or my written efforts to communicate…I reached the decision to end the marriage.
Still…at that time…I trusted you with my daughters. I trusted you to be a decent person…even if not to me.
But…when you raised a screwdriver to me and threatened to hurt me all trust ended. And when I discovered you had been raping and sexually abusing my daughters you were dead to me.
In the years since then I have been busy…supporting my daughters’ needs to heal…physically and financially supporting my daughters totally on my own…facing the ritualistic and sexual abuse I survived as a child…managing multiple serious health challenges…creating a life of health and love and joy despite sometimes overwhelming obstacles.
I didn’t consciously realize death had parted us and absolved us of those vows we had made so many years before.
But now I do…and I need a ceremony to celebrate that realization.
Those vows have already been dissolved in the eyes of the law. I have no need whatsoever to be concerned about doing so in the eyes of the church.
Today, however, I am deliberately and consciously removing those vows spiritually and emotionally.
And so…
L.L.P….I…M.L.Y., hereby vow to remove my promise to love, honor, and respect you. I hereby vow to remove my commitment to be with you in good times and bad. I hereby vow to remove my intention to be with you in sickness and in health. I hereby vow to acknowledge death has parted us.
I make these vows before you, with intent before our families and friends of that time period, before my friends and family of today, and before Spirit.
This is also a ceremony and celebration of forgiveness.
L.L.P., I choose to forgive you:
- for destroying the innocence and emotional freedom of my daughters’ childhoods through rape and abuse
- for isolating yourself from me throughout our marriage
- for not cherishing, respecting, or supporting me throughout our marriage
- for not accepting my love for you
- for ridiculing and demeaning my femininity and my uniqueness
- for choosing not to grow and change and heal
- for blaming me for your depression and insecurities
- for attempting to manipulate my emotions
- for attempting to manipulate my desire and efforts to be healthy and whole
- for not being honest with yourself
- for not being honest with others
- for not being honest with me
- for not knowing how to love as an adult
And, more importantly, I choose to forgive myself:
- for loving you
- for being emotionally insecure and vulnerable when I met you
- for not leaving you on any of the multiple times I considered doing so
- for not recognizing your abusive tendencies
- for not recognizing your ongoing abuse of my daughters
- for mistakes I made
- for not seeing what was happening
- for trusting you with my love
- for trusting you with my daughters
- for my self-doubt and insecurities
- for dreaming of “happily ever after”
- for hoping you would someday accept my love and concern for you
- for hoping we could create what we had promised on our wedding day
- for hating you
And so, L., this ceremony is complete. As of this moment in time, there is no longer any “us”. There never will be again. There is you…whoever and wherever you are. Go in peace and love and forgiveness to live your life as you choose.
Good-bye!
And, friends and family, there is “me”, M.L.Y.. I will also live my life as I choose. And I choose to live it well!
Let us celebrate!
